A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. 

  

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." 

  

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." 

  

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. 

  

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." 

  

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." 

  

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the cranky old bitch in the kitchen."

Our suggestions for Wal-Mart Wine

There's an email wandering around the email passageways of the web that looks like this :

Wal-Mart Wine

Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2010, it will begin offering customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas . "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I already know that possum is not a white meat.

So we thought that the names were cute but we could do better. How about :

1. Chateau'ed expectations
2. White Wifebeater
3. Windex Wallop
4. Trailer tipple
5. Sam Walton’s Famous Fighting Wine
6. Wal-Mart Wine N’ Cheese: All the goodness of B-Grade Wisconsin Red infused with American Processed Cheese food
7. Wal-White. Now in our patented 10 gallon box.
8. Sham-pain
9. Sam’s Red. A wine, a cologne and a household cleaner all in one.
10. And from our beer selection: Mullet-Brau.

The Oscars Race

Its Academy Awards time and for those who joined in the fun and had a go at picking the winners, here is the live chart showing the results. I'm at the cottage and so long as my tenuous internet connection stays live, I'll update this instantly as each award is handed out.

Wheels that slip

There's a hill on the GO tracks heading north from Agincourt. When the tracks are wet, the train wheels slip and the fastest we can move is about a slow walk. But did you know this problem is so well known that it has an official name "Slippery rail"? According to wikipedia, this is a condition of railroads caused by fallen moist leaves that lie on and cling to the top surface of the rails of railroad tracks. The condition results in significant loss of friction between train wheels and rails, and in extreme cases can render the track temporarily unusable. The situation is colloquially referred to as "leaves on the line" in Britain.

But there is something can be done to fix this. Trees can be cut back (non starter for me), sand released on the track (which GO already does), high pressure water hoses and even laser blasts.

How about we ask GO to spend some money on making changes to their locomotives ?

Corporate America designs a STOP sign

Vacation Pictures 2009 (Florida Keys)

Go Transit 2020 Plan

On December 12th, GO Transit presented its Strategic Plan - GO 2020 - at the monthly GO Board of Directors meeting in Toronto. I found the plan and downloaded it. There are several interesting features of the plan but unfortunately no timescale. Included are changes to the frequency of trains from Mt Joy to Union, extension of the train service to Uxbridge and a second rail line on the Lincolnville line.

Bad day ? Go Home !

I could not resist this fine motivational poster.